Before I got pregnant with Matthew I had
had five miscarriages, each one ending
before I reached 12 wks pregnant. The day
I become 12 wks pregnant with Matthew
I was so very excited & thought I had
made it, I was finally going to be a
Mummy. I had a text book pregnancy
my doctor kept telling me every
antenatal appointment & I was getting
so very excited, I couldn't wait to give
birth to my son. I knew I was having
a boy right from the very day I found
out I was pregnant.

Thursday night (6th July) I had a show &
crampy pains which I thoguht were
Braxton Hicks, because I had not felt any
before hand. So when I had my antenatal
appointment the next day I told my doc,
he said yes maybe just Braxton Hicks
pains. When I left his office he told me
he would see me in 3 weeks when he got
back from his holiday. I was shocked
to say the least, and he could see it
but he reassured me that one of the
other 3 doctors that delivered babies
would do the delivery on the very 
off chance I went into labour before
he got back. He didn't think Matthew
would come for atleast 3 weeks because
Matthew's head was not locked down
into my pelvis for birth yet. That same
night the pains got stronger & more
often I still did not think anything of
them. They continued on through the
night and the next day (Saturday) I
have the strongest urge to get
everything ready. So I went shopping
for his outfit to come home in, his
baby towels, cleaned my whole flat &
packed my hospital bag.

At about 8pm I started getting really strong
pains & they were 8 to 10 mins apart. Then
I realised that I was in labour and I got
so scared, I had no idea what to do or
what to expect. I paniced for a little while,
then I calmed down because I realised I
was going to be able to hold my baby
boy & be able to be the one thing I had
been longing to be for so many years,
I was going to be a MUMMY.

I rang then hospital when my contractions
were coming every 3 to 5 minutes apart.
They told me to come up to the hospital,
so I made sure everything was ready
for when I came home with my baby boy,
I got my bag & told Matthews dad it
is time to go to the hospital. we got in
the car and headed off to the hospital
(it was 11:30pm). We got to the
hospital, they admitted me at 11:40pm
then took me around to my room. I had
to get one the bed so that the midwife
could do check to see how far dilated I
was. I was hoping she would tell me
I was 4 or 5cms, but I was only 2cms
dilated. So the midwife told me to hop
into bed and go to sleep, but I told
her I wanted to walk around to help
with labour. But she told me I had to
go to bed to get some sleep because
tomorrow I would need all the energy
I could get. So I layed down for awhile
but that only made my backache worse,
the midwife gave me heat packs to
help ease the pain (I now how you
should never use heat packs or hot
showers or while pregnant because
you can overheart the baby), they helped
a little but I really wanted to get up so
once the midwife left my room I started
to pace the floor in my room because that
was the best way I could relieve the pain
a bit. By 3am I was tired so I laid down
on the bed & slept.

In the morning the midwife came in (Sunday
9th July) & checked to see how far I had
dilated since the night before, I got a
shock when she said you are still only
2cms, you should be atlest 4cms dilated
by now. Way to go to make me feel great
NOT! I felt so awful like I was doing a
really bad job or something. She said the
doctor will be in later on some time this
morning to check on you & to see how
the labour is going. So I kept walking
around with my baby boy's Dad. I was
walking down up and down the stairs &
all around my room trying to help the
labour along. I was in a bit of pain but
it was bearable the worst of it was the
constant back pain. But I kept telling
myself this pain is all worth it , it
meant I was having my baby & was
going to be going home a Mummy.

When the doctor came in he felt around
my tummy to see which way my baby
boy was laying & then he checked to
see how far dilated I was now, I got
the next shock for the day when he said
to me "you are only about 2 & a half cms
dilated ". All I could think was what am
I doing wrong I am meant to dilate
quicker than that. So I asked the doctor
why I was dilating so slowly. He told
me my labour was called incordinate
labour. It is when your contractions
are not regular and they were not
strong enough to make my cervix
dilate properly. He told me he was
going to break my waters & hopefully
that would make my contractions more
regular & stronger so that my cervix
would dilate quicker. He also told me
why I was having alot of backache;
it was because Matthew was laying
with his spine rubbing along my spine
(Matthew was not laying the right
way for labour, he should have been
laying with his spine along the middle
of my tummy with his face looking
towards my back not looking towards
my tummy, he also still didn't have
his head down in my pelvis, his head
was floating above my pelvis.

When the doctor broke my waters they
flooded the bed and went all over the
floor (the midwife was not pleased
when she came in & saw the mess that
she had to clean up). The midwife told
me that there was meconium in my
waters (he was in fetal distress,
altough she didn't tell me that) I asked
that midwife if everything was ok, she
told me that everything was fine & that
loads of babies poo during labour &
everything would be fine (if only I had
known what was really going on). Once
I got all cleaned up I went down the
stairs to go for a walk outside; I got
halfway down the stairs & I had the
hugest contraction I had ever felt.
It was so bad that I stopped talking &
stood still, when it stopped I kept going.
Just after I walked out side I got another
one, so I decided to go back to my room.
On the way back to my room I had
another 2 really strong contractions.
When I got back to my room the midwife
said I had to go into the delivery room
& she was going to put me on a syntocin
drip to make the contractions stronger &
more frequent.

Once I was in the delivery room I got put
onto the syntocin drip & I had to stay on
the bed because they had to monitor
Matthew's heartbeat (because I was on
the syntocin drip). I did not like having
to stay on the bed because after about
an hour of the drip the contractions were
coming a lot more often and they were
so very strong the pain was starting to
get really bad & I just wanted to walk
around to try & ease the pain. Because
the pain was getting so bad the midwife
asked if I would like some pethidine to
help with the pain, I had the needle & it
made me feel awful, I felt sick & got a
very bad headache from it but it didn't do
much to help ease the pain. I did not
know it at the time (they didnt tell me
this); Matthew had been pooing in my
tummy all of the afternoon & into
the evening. He was getting very
stressed from the prolonged labour &
from the drip. His got so stressed that
his heart started to dip (beating slower)
& they made me have oxygen & when I
asked what was going on they just said
I needed to have some oxygen because
Matthew was laying on his cord & I asked
if everything is ok they told me "yes". I
wish I had known that he was in trouble,
I might have been able to get the doctor
to do a C-Section so that he didn't die.

Every time the midwife upped the drip
speed for the syntocin drip my
contractions got closer & closer
together & so much stronger. The
pain got so bad that I asked for an
epidural, they got the doctor that does
them in to the hospital to administar
the epidural. Not long after it was in
my spine & running I felt nothing at all
I didn't even feel the contracions; it
was very strange to feel nothing at all.
The only way i could tell if I was having
1 was to look at the CTG monitor or to
touch my tummy. The midwife left the
delivery room not long after &
Matthew's dad went off too so I was
sitting there in the delivery room
all by myself & I was starting to get
really scared; it was nothing like what I
thought labour would be like. Then a
nurse came in looking for my midwife I
told her I had no idea where on earth
she was. The nurse must have seen how
scared I was because she said she will
sit with me for awhile, I thanked her &
told her just how scared I was that
something was not right & that I just
wanted a C-Section. She told me not to
worry, everything would be ok. Then
she left to go & find my midwife.

The doctor & midwife came back in & I
got checked to see how far dilated I
was; I got told I was 9cms dilated
& the doctor said I should be ready to
start pushing at 10pm because I
should be 10cms by then (it was
just before 9pm). The doctor left &
the midwife told me to get some
sleep because I was going to need
all the energy I could muster when
it was time to push. So I went to
sleep listening to the sound my
beautiful baby boy's heartbeat;
It was such a beautiful sound.

I started to wake up to the sound of
someone near the bed & once I
heard the sound of someone running
out of the delivery room I woke up
very quickly; at the time I had no
idea that it was the doctor & that
he had read the printout from the
CTG machine and saw that
Matthew's heart had stopped. The
doctor came running back in along
with the midwife; things went very
quickly. The midwife put the hand
held dopler on my tummy & was
moving it ariound very quickly. I asked
her what is going on, she told me we
lost the trace of the baby's heartbeat,
the baby has moved & we are just
trying to hear the heat rate again,
everything is fine (what a load of
rubbish that was). Next thing I know
they are putting my feet up in stirrups,
I looked down to see the doctor
inserting a forcep into me (and that
there already was one in me). Then
the doctor is saying things really fast
to the midwife (I didn't could not
understand what they were saying).
The doctor started pulling on the
forceps, the midwife said that I wasn't
having a contraction yet & then she
said she's having a contraction. Then
the doctor is telling me push push &
I was in such a daze thinking this is
not the way I thought labour & birth
sound be (I started to wonder if this
was just all a very strange dream).

The next thing I know Matthew was out
& they put him on my tummy, I was
shocked it all happened so quickly.
When they put Matthew on my tummy
his head flopped down on me & I could
only see the top of Matthew's head & his
shoulders. But when i didn't hear a cry I
said what is wrong with my baby. They
took him & the doctor said "we are going
to give babe a hand" so I thought that
they just needed to suction out his
airways to remove mucus so that he
could breathe (I had seen it done on a
documentry). So I didn't panic I still
thought that everything was ok (what an
idiot I  was). They put Matthew on the
resuscitation table & they were all
crowding around Matthew (I had no
idea where they had all come from),
I couldn't see what was going on. I
was saying is he a boy? Is he a boy? I
don't know why I kept saying it over
& over again. Then I realised that
someone had moved or gone & I
could see Matthew; I got such a
shock there was a doctor pushing on
Matthew's little chest & that the
other doctor was squeezing a little
bag that was attached to a tube in
Matthew's throat. And then the nurse
slapped Matthew's leg twice & I was
thinking what the hell do you think you
are doing to my baby (I dont know why
but I just couldn't talk). I have since
found out that they were slapping his
legs because they got a very very
faint heartbeat & they were trying
to get his blood flowing but to no avail,
Matthew had been gone for way too long.

Then one of the doctors came over to me
(not the one that had been seeing my
during the day) & he sat or kneeled
(I dont remeber which) beside the
bed (the side away from the
resuscitation table) & he said "we did
everything we could but he is gone"
(all I could think was where?). Then I
said "what?" He said his heart had
stopped before he was born. That
was when I realised that he was telling
me that Matthew was dead, I asked
the doctor when did he die, the doctor
looked at the CTG printout and told me
Matthew died at 9:36pm (he was
born at 9:55pm). Then the doctors said
that I needed to be stitched up as I
had torn during the delivery. Once the
doctor stitched me up the midwife
brought Matthew over to me & gave
me Matthew wrapped up in a blanket.
I looked at Matthew's beautiful face
& it still had the tube in his throat,
so I opened the blanket to have a look
at Matthew. He still had a pair of
clamps on his umbilical cord, he was
absolutely perfect in every single
way. The midwife asked me if I
would like a priest to come up to see us,
I told her yes because I wanted to
get Matthew blessed. Becfore the priest
got there the local CID detective came
into the delivery room. He came over
to us while I was looking at Matthew
& he asked me if everything is where
it should be, I looked at him & said
"YES OF COURSE IT IS" (I was so mad
at the stupid question he asked me.
Then he talked to the midwife & left.
Apparently because I had gone into
hospital for what was classed as a
routine thing & a abnormal result
came out of it (the death of my baby
boy) he had to investigate it. The
priest came & blessed Matthew, his
father & I. Then he left & the midwife
let me put a nappy & clothes on Matthew
& then she put Matthew into a crib & me
into a wheelchair. I am not sure if she
pushed me or Matthew's dad did. But 1
of them pushed me & the other one
pushed Matthew along in the crib. She
took us down a long dark hallway to a
room right down the end. I went & had a
shower, when I came back into the
room the midwife had pulled out a
sofa bed from the room ajoining my room,
she said we would proberly like to sleep
in there together. Then she left I just
sat there ont he hospital bed thinking
this has to be a really bad nightmare
& I was looking at Matthew in the
hospital crib You just looked like you
were having a little sleep (except for
the tube in your mouth). But I realised
then that you were never going to wake
up. All I wanted to do was scream, but
I couldn't my mouth was frozen. The
next hour went like a blur, I did not
want to believe it, it couldn't be true.
This doesn't happen anymore! What did
I do to make this happen? I was too
scare to pick you up and cuddle you,
I just sat on the bed looking at you
thinking I will wake up in a minute,
I am only dreaming. I thought if I pick
you up and cuddle you it will be real,
I really wished I had spent that hour
cuddling you, I miss you in my arms now.
I am so sorry I didn't show you more of
my love for you in that hour, I think I
was in a bad state of shock.

I hate myself for not cuddling you more; I
hope you do know that I LOVE YOU so
very much that my heart aches for you
every single day. Before I knew it
the midwife had taken you away with
out even telling me that was going to
take you. So I never got to tell you
how very much I loved you & the other
2 words that I keep getting told I need
to tell you, but I can never can or will
say them. I can't believe the midwife
just took you away without telling me
she was taking you; the midwife came
in to check on my ob's, when she did
she just pushed you out of the way,
round the corner like you were nothing
(it made me so MAD, I should have told
her off for it but I was still so very
frozen and numb). Then after she
checked me I went round the corner
to get you and you were gone. I lost
you a second time! Leaving the hospital
without you was one of the darkest
days of my life. It was unbearable
being pushed past the delivery room
where you died and was born in. As soon
as the midwife pushed me towards it I
started to cry. This was REAL it was
no dream; I was never going to wake
up from this. This is my reality; this is
my life, everyday I have to live with
this horrible never ending nightmare.
I just want to wake up & find you
still in my tummy alive, safe & well.
Matthew my love for you is everlasting,
it will never fade nor will the PAIN I feel
in my heart. Everyday I hope & pray for you
to come back to me. There is not a minute
of the day when I am not thinking about
you, Matthew. I love you so very much
Sweet Baby Boy of mine, my arms are
empty & ache to hold you and when
we meet again I'm not going to stop
holding you.